February 23rd

Lord, refine my heart. Shatter my intentions until your will is the only that will be done. Clarify my thoughts and feelings in the context of your love above all. Expand my awareness to see and hear your name echoing through all creation. Remind me that my admittedly imperfect heart brought to you is more beautiful and powerful than a heart of self reliance and stubborn strength. Replace the parts of my heart long dead with more of yours. Give me a fraction of your sight so I may see myself and others with a glimpse of the love and grace that you do. 

Amen.

Resolution

In most of the cities we visited, I was left feeling empty at the end of the day. Not because there wasn't enough or because I wasn't enjoying myself, but because there was too much. They took everything from me before I laid my head down to sleep, and in the morning I would wake and be grateful and do it all again. We were only in Hampi a day and a half, and while there was much to see and not enough time, I felt full when we departed and continued to for the rest of the trip.

At the end of our first afternoon, some of my friends wanted to hike to a temple nestled in the side of a small mountain. It was probably just a large hill to someone not from Texas, but still, after a day spent entirely under the sun I felt quite sure I would not be joining them. As our bus got closer to the entrance to our hotel, where jeeps would be waiting to either drive us the rest of the way or take us to the temple, I started to feel a little tugging on my heart telling me not to go back to the hotel just yet. So when I stepped off the bus, I walked to the jeep that would drive me to the mountain.

Almost immediately after I began the ascent I wished I had chosen a different jeep. My group stopped frequently and laughed about how out of shape we were while we caught our breath. At what felt like the halfway point I stopped pausing to rest, even though my throat was sticky and my muscles ached. I continued to climb toward the top. It felt urgent to me, but not in an anxiety-inducing way, just as if there was something ahead that I had been waiting to see. After I passed the last step I crouched to slip off my shoes, as is customary in temples. When I lifted my head back up my breath caught in my throat.

I will not try to describe the view in words. I will say, that I felt pulled toward the sky so strongly that I forgot about the temple entirely. When my friends joined me at the top we walked together until we reached the edge of the main rock. From there we climbed boulder after boulder until we couldn't possibly get closer to the sunset. I felt a palpable contentment sitting there on that rock next to people I met only 15 days prior. I loved them. I loved this country. I wanted the moment to go on forever. We sat, mostly in silence, until the sun was gone.

There were two more days left on our trip, but that felt like the end. It felt like goodbye. I had been so worried that I wasn't seeing enough, experiencing enough, to feel okay with boarding a plane and going home. I wanted to make up for the beginning of the trip when I had been hesitant to create or connect. But that sunset was like the Lord squeezing my hand and assuring me that I had done enough.

Quiet strength

"You're where you need to be right now, you know?" I nodded and made some sort of noise to signal that I agreed. I said, "I love you" (a few times). And then we hung up.

I've been in India for almost 24 hours and have learned so much. The people here, the strangers I have encountered, have been the biggest surprise. Some are guides, but all are unwitting teachers to me already. They are beautiful and strong. Very fearless. They are unafraid to indulge curiosity, hold eye contact, and seem to completely disregard traffic laws. I admire them so. 

While I think I will continue to stop at traffic lights, I hope a fraction of their boldness and quiet strength rubs off on me. That their confidence will give me permission to be comfortable and inspire me to maintain. 

Tomorrow I will return their stares with a smile.

A Beginning

Something has been stirring. I felt it first upon returning to Nashville for the school year, but it has been visiting me more and more frequently and staying longer each time. I welcome it. I wait for it to return and relish in it's presence when it does. It's a feeling of expectancy. A kind of suspension, as if you are standing right on the edge of something, glued in place.
I am both excited and terrified of this new adventure and I am learning to accept both feelings, even when they occur in synchronicity.

Currently I am sitting in the Newark airport. Two or so hours of time in the air have elapsed for what will be a nineteen hour journey. Tomorrow (potentially- the time difference still eludes me) I will arrive in India.
Sitting here now it feels like I have finally stepped off the ledge. I may not know what lies below, but there is a sense of direction and intention, and I press into it.

I will be trying to write about what I'm learning and seeing when I get the chance, and you're welcome to check in and hear all about it when you have the time. The Lord is fixing to move in a big way, and I would love to share that with you all.

I still have quite a while left before I reach Chennai, so for now here are a few "self portraits" I took yesterday of my hands. Hopefully the next time you see a photo of them they will be hennaed!
M